completely alone at a table of friends.

Sometimes, although I am surrounded by a large number of people; I feel completely alone. Sometimes the misery takes over and I can't handle it. It's hard when you're not in charge of a situation and you get this feeling and you have no way to just leave. To not be apart of things and be on your way alone to maybe, just maybe feeling better.
I can't say much about anything lately, except I am really missing home. I'm not sure why it took me nine months to miss it so much; but it did. And now I'm going a little crazy inside of my head. It takes a lot for me to put this out for people to know, but maybe by letting you know how I function you will come to understand why I do strange things quite often.
I feel like I haven't made any true friends here. And not that I rely on another being to complete my happiness or make me feel better, It's just so good to connect with somebody on a different level. A level where you're both stable people and just enjoy each other's company. Last night I was hanging out with Nick and I felt very comfortable and then sad, because he's moving to Seattle today. Sad news.
After hearing a lot of crazy details about my next two classes to come -- Lighting people and Lighting Studio.. I got really scared. I had nightmares about it and It just seems scary. Nothing I can't handle, Just a lot of crazy work. It doesn't seem like I could possibly create what's expected. Mostly in LS. I am not a product person, i don't know how I'm going to find inspiration and figure out what I'm going to do. I'm already going to brain storm and start observing. bla bla bla bla. School takes over my life.